What Truly Satisfies: Chlese Jiles
“But whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again. The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.”
I graduated from Louisiana Tech in Studio Art this past May, and making art has nearly always been my biggest passion. During college, however, I learned that being an artist was not my greatest identity. The way that the arts call for you to give all of yourself, your time, your resources to the making of your work is appealing. Romantic. You are seen as someone with dedication and commitment. But when I began to become more involved at the Wesley, I realized that ministry and discipleship demand the same things, except one results in my own glory while the other brings glory to the King of Heaven. It took a little while to see, but I slowly changed my priorities. My greatest passion changed. My heart changed. Or rather I realized that what I thought would satisfy me wasn’t enough all along.
All throughout my senior year, I could feel my focus shifting. As I sat in four hour studio classes, I wished I was hanging out at the Wesley. When classes interfered with me being able to go to our Thursday lunches, something in my spirit sank. If I couldn't make it to the 8:30 am Eucharist service on Fridays, I had a longing. Even when I was excited and enthralled with the art I was doing, I didn't want to be isolated in a studio, but at the Wesley, surrounded by friends - no matter if I did end up getting distracted.
Yet after I applied for the Wesley's internship and was given the job, I still decided that my ministry work would probably end there. That once I finished the internship, I would move to a different state, get an illustration job, and make sure to find a good church to be as involved in as I could. In all honesty, I just didn't think that I could find a place like the Wesley that would ask me to play a part in its community. That could pull me up out of my dark places and my insecurities to show me how to be a disciple. Without even realizing it, I came to think that I could only do ministry if I found a place that pushed me to do it. And then came Dietrich Bonhoeffer's words:
"The Christian cannot simply take for granted the privilege of living among other Christians...It is by God's grace that a congregation is permitted to gather visibly around God's word and sacrament in this world."
As we studied Bonhoeffer’s Life Together this summer at the Wesley, I was convicted by the way he described what it meant to be in a community and to be a disciple of Christ. I came to realize just how many of my thoughts about working in ministry were misconceived, self-interested, or driven by my own fears. I cannot let my comfortability in a place determine whether or not I follow God’s call to me - to all of us - to spread his Word.
When I began to meet new students and they asked me what I wanted to do after the Wesley internship, I replied with what I had been sure of for about a year: "I want to be a character designer and illustrator for an animation company." But as the summer crept on, the more forced, more habituated, more untruthful this answer felt. It was here that I finally began to untangle what were my true feelings and what were fears. Even in this moment, I’m still doing some untangling. What I can be sure of, though, is that leaving a life enveloped in the ministry is not what I want. The testimonies that I’ve heard, and the work that God has done in my own life over these last four years at the Wesley has shown me what happens when one comes in contact with the living God through His people. He has been so faithful in showing me how to follow Him. I can only pray that He will continue showing me where I’m called to be.
Chlese has been a member of the Wesley since her freshman year of college. She is currently a ministry intern at the Wesley and loves getting the chance to work for the community that completely changed her life.